I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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