I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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