Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i think i have two assholes
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
