Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
