there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I need to stop coming to work sober
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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