I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
