Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
