I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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