I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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