I faked an abortion last night.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
