Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
