I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
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