I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
So much rum. So many feels.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Randomize
