I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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