Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
