best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
