trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
