lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
