At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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