it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
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