I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
