bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
