I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
