Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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