I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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