So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
