i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
