Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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