The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
