so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
