but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
