I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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