She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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