My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
