i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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