I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
