just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Randomize
