stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
