Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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