My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
