Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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