12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
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