you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
