Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
