A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
