I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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