You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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