what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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