The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Best friends brother. Beat that.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
