Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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