I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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